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[nerdanel_the_wise]

It's quiet as she sits on the bed, her back propped comfortably with multiple pillows. She has a sketch pad in her hands as she draws rapidly.

She had been doing it for hours.

One sketch book had been discard, already full.

It had been centuries since she had last picked up anything to create art with, and now she couldn't create enough...

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[gorlim.livejournal.com]

There is a knock at her door, quiet tapping like a woodpecker in the distance.

It is possible this is intentional, as it is followed by whispering and the sound of a baby giggling.

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She lifts her head long enough to call, "Come in!"

But she is intent on finishing this sketch before stopping for the night.

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

The door creaks open. Gorlim slides in with a bundle in his arms and closes the door quietly behind himself. He remains standing against it as he waits for Nerdanel to finish.

[nerdanel_the_wise]

Another rapid flourish of drawing and she closes the book, turning to look at son and granddaughter with a bright smile.

"Ionen, and the little one. It is a wonderful surprise!"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim carries the baby to her bed and offers her.

"We thought you could use some company. I have things to tell you about. Good things, mainly."

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She accepts the child, making sweet cooing sounds at her as she settles Kelly in her arms.

"It is always good to hear positive news," she says, though she is looking into Kelly's face as she talks. "What has been going on while I have been locked away in bed?"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

"Namo and Sooty have made me a gift." He takes out his stone to show her. "It means I can turn into a tiger now. It.... hurts worse than anything I've felt since I died, but that's actually a good thing, because the tiger-mind cannot hurt so much as to WANT to. So I can use it to keep myself from doing anything crazy. When I want to hurt myself, I can instead become a cat. It will be enough pain to satisfy the Wraith, but will cause no lasting damage, and the cat-mind balences and banishes any compulsions I have to do... something more permanent."

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She stares at the glowing gem as she pats Kelly's back.

"It... looks like you plucked his very eye out and crystalized it," she breathes. "But being this tiger pleases you? And... I thought you and Mandos were not speaking..."

She has been out of the loop.

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

"I have never stopped speaking to him," Gorlim says softly. "Being a tiger saves me. Being this cat is a way for me to not have to be afraid that I might someday walk into the forest and not come back."

He leans lightly against her, stretching his long, lean body out beside her.

"It's a way to keep me alive."

[nerdanel_the_wise]

"It is a great gift," she murmurs as Kelly took hold of her finger and brought it to her mouth. "How... how is he?"

She lets her head lean against his, her long, wavy red hair mixing with his brown tangles.

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

"He is... troubled, as I am. Life leaves its scars. I have done and will do what I can to help him -- if not to heal, then to learn to live with what has harmed him, to use to to be stronger. I will try, nana." He nuzzles her hair. "Though I have... other things that trouble me, and other hopes, and other fears."

[nerdanel_the_wise]

"I find it hard to believe that he needs you to do such things."

She kisses his head.

"What things trouble you, ionen?"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

"I have met someone. A wizard. His name is Rabastan Lestrange. Namo met him, too. He looked at his soul. He said... he could almost pretend it was me he looked at in him." He smiles. "It gives me hope, that I have found a twinsoul. Someone who I can let myself belong with. Not belong to. Not own. But be with, as brothers, as equals, without a lover's baggage, without past sins, understanding. But Namo has taken a liking to him. Of course he has. And Nana..."

He sighs and flops against her. "I want to let Namo have the world. I love him so, it's hard to understand. But I don't want to lose anyone because he's more worthy of love than I. It is a selfish fear, I know. But I cannot get rid of it fully."

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She is quiet for a little while before speaking.

"Why do you believe he is more worthy than you? You are just as special, just as dear. And why do you think Mandos would be in a position so soon to begin courting anyone, especially one he must know by now you believe to have found a brother in?"

The wise Elf does not wish to admonish or criticize until she has a fuller picture of the situation.

"You also make it seem as if he stalked about, hunting a face he saw in your mind. That can't be so; I may not be overly fond of him, but I don't think he would intentionally cause you harm?"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

"No, of course not. He would never do so intentionally. Never. I know that. I know he has never meant to hurt me. It is just.... an automatic reaction. A reflex. The way you would flinch if I made as if to strike you, though you know I never would. It is like that. Once you learn that a certain.... circumstance, or motion, or situation, MAY lead to pain, your heart will rail against it even if your mind knows there is very little likelihood of such a thing coming to pass."

Gorlim frowns. "I hope that makes sense. I... I'm very hurt, Nana. I don't want anyone to see, but sometimes I can't help it. I couldn't help it when he told me about Rabastan, and them dancing. I've never been jealous before. I don't like it."

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She bounces the baby, making more faces at her before cuddling her again.

"It makes sense. I choose not to take another husband, though the rational part of my mind tells me my new mate would not do such harm to me as Feanáro did. Still, it is the gut reaction: marriage means chains and ownership and heartbreak. No, thank you, I shall pass, even if it means I miss out."

Nerdanel pats his thigh lovingly before giving her fingers back to Kelly.

"I cannot image Mandos dancing," she almost snorts. "I just... can't. But what are you jealous of? That Rabastan likes Mandos in this way or... that Mandos likes Rabastan?"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

"I... huh. Both, perhaps." He's surprised to hear himself say it. "Because it's something I can't control, even though it's something I can't keep. I..."

He covers his mouth with his hand, making a face like this: o.o!

"I hadn't thought I could be jealous of him," he mumbles.

[nerdanel_the_wise]

"Well, nothing is truly in our control," she points out. "Nothing. We react to what goes on around us. Do you believe your choice to leave him behind was an actively done decision you came to, was sure about, and acted upon with confidence?"

She smiles at him.

"As for jealousy... Jealousy is an ugly emotion if we don't stop and look at it. It seems you look to Rabastan to replace something that may never have been yours in the first place, which -- I might say -- is not very fair to him. It also seems that, perhaps, Mandos seeks to replace something he sees as never having been his in the first place, which is not very fair either."

Nerdanel grows silent as she stares into the child's eyes, so like Gorlim's.

"There is much unfinished, I think, and a lot of confusion and hurt while you both run around trying to gather your pieces. I fear it might all lead to more hurting if you both are not careful." Then she looks at Gorlim. "Besides, you did tell Mandos you wanted to try a break, that it need not be forever. You have many choices still before you, as does he."

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim sighs and rubs his head, feeling complicated and confused and generally overwhelmed.

"You know sometimes... I just... I want to cry and cry and never stop. And sometimes I CAN'T stop until I get sick and fall asleep. And then I hate myself for being weak, and want to hurt myself to prove I'm not, and then I try to STOP myself but all I can do is start it all over again."

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She gets up long enough to put the baby in the bassinet beside the bed (giving her a little ducky to toss about), then comes back to take Gorlim into her arms... as close as she can with Feaho in her way.

"Would you like to know a confession of mine?" she asks quietly. "There are nights when I lay in the bathtub, the water scalding hot, and simply weep until there is simply nothing left in me to bleed out. It takes all I have when I am done to fall into bed." She kisses his temple. "Sometimes, pain has only one release: tears. And that is not weak. That is mortal. We are not gods. We are not stone."

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim sighs and sort of deflates in her arms. He closes his eyes and sings quietly, to her and to her... his... their son.


We are not made of stone
We’re half way there and half way gone.
We bend and we believe
In the strength of the light in the signs we receive.
And we are not careful clear,
We struggle on from year to year,
But I’m not alone
In the force of this wildest unknown
For she is the deepest part of me,
She is the deepest part of me.

We do not have the truth to tell,
Some have flown while others fell,
And what seemed to be right
Now darkens our way and clouds in our sight.
And we do not have the eyes to see
The magic and the mystery,
And the place that they fill
That allows us to sleep so silent and still.

And when resolution seems so far away.
Time always turns into the light of the day.

And see me when I lose the place,
Stumble blindly fall from grace.
We’re filled with the need
To shout out aloud, to follow, to lead,
And we are not made of stone,
We’re halfway here and half way gone,
But we bend and believe
In the strength of the light and the signs we receive.

But I’m not alone
In the force of this wildest unknown,
For she is the deepest part of me,
She is the deepest part of me.

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She listens, enjoying the timbre of his voice and the words themselves. When he is done, she sits there for a while, listening to Kelly in the bassinet, to their joined breathing, to their heartbeats.

"There is a lot of pain," she says. "But you are right. You are not alone. Not by a long shot. Mandos loves you dearly still, as evidence by that stone. I love you you deeply. Your wife, your friends. You are never alone, broken bird. You are lucky in that, even when it does feel as if you are."

What she now sings is, perhaps, her only view on how the father of her child may feel -- and, maybe, how the Man at her side might feel.

She sees him laying in the bed alone tonight
The only thing a touching him is a crack of light
Pieces of her hair are wrapped around and 'round his fingers
And he reaches for her side, for any sign of her that lingers

And she says you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

One of them bullets went straight for the jugular vein
There were people running , a flash of light
Then everything changed
Nothing really matters in the end you know
All the worrys sever
Don't be afraid for me my friend, one day we all fall down forever

And you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

The wedding date was June just like any other bride
She loved him like no one before and it was good to be alive
But sometimes that can slip away as fast
As any fingers through your hands
So you let time forgive the past and go and make some other plans

And you are not alone
Laying in the light
Put out the fire in your head
And lay with me tonight

She knows it is about death. It was the first verse that always cut her deep. The man's lady is gone from him, and all he has is a painful memory of the one who laid beside him.

Sometimes...

Sometimes...

Sometimes memories hurt worse than anything else, for there are still moments, in the night, she wakes and reaches for Feanáro... and still feels a sharp pain of loss.

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim won't let himself cry. He CAN'T and he hates himself for it. He doesn't want to do that to her, not to her. But he can't speak, either. He turns onto his back and stares up at the ceiling, wide eyes tinged with silver.

[nerdanel_the_wise]

Her smile is gentle as she brushes her fingers through his hair.

"'Pain shared is pain halved'", she quotes softly.

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim smiles. The movement causes two tears to break free and slip down his cheeks. He wipes them away roughly.

"Thank you, Nana. You sing so beautifully." He sniffs and scrubs his eyes with his sleeves.