(no subject)

[nerdanel_the_wise]

It's quiet as she sits on the bed, her back propped comfortably with multiple pillows. She has a sketch pad in her hands as she draws rapidly.

She had been doing it for hours.

One sketch book had been discard, already full.

It had been centuries since she had last picked up anything to create art with, and now she couldn't create enough...

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[nerdanel_the_wise]

She wonders if he has found the dove nested with the heron.

"I did not become adept at woodcarving, though I can make simple animal shapes. Nothing more elaborate. Perhaps you will show me your creations sometime," she says hopefully. "Maybe after the baby comes and we have hours to pass."

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

He has.

Without turning his face to her, he hunts in his pockets and hands back a small wooden figure of a dog or wolf creature sitting on a circular base carved to resemble a crown. It's a whimsical sort of figure. The dog-thing is painted black and purple, the crown bright yellow with green and blue and red jewel accents on each tip.

He sniffs again and keeps searching his pockets, possibly for another handkerchief, having already misplaced the first.

[nerdanel_the_wise]

Nerdanel turns it over in her hands, thinking it wonderfully created.

"You have great skill, ionen," she remarks. "We should carve together soon. I would like to do that with you. Create little trinkets for the children."

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

"We should," he agrees, his voice betrayting his tears as he sets the sketchbook aside and leans forward with his hand over his eyes.

[nerdanel_the_wise]

"I thought you might like some of them," she says gently. "Whichever you like. There are also a few in the other sketch book: the Valar, homes in Tirion, the gardens of Irmo, some of the Teleri ships."

She had cried herself when sketching the dove and the heron. For some reason, it had struck a painful chord in her chest, but she was proud of the drawing. It was lovely.

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

It is beautiful. But a little much for him right now. He flips the page without looking at it again, and without loking at Nerdanel, he stands up.

"I'm... just going to go... take a walk down the hall for a minute or two. Do you mind watching Kelly?"

[nerdanel_the_wise]

Her eyes are a little worried, but she nods.

"Of course, dear one. It's not as if I have some pressing business I must do," she says with a smile. "I can entertain her for a bit."

She turns to the baby in her arms and coos to her.

"Can't I? Yes, I am sure we can entertain ourselves."

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim nods, and is out the door in seconds.

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She stands up, cradling Kelly carefully with arm and belly, and picks up both sketch pads. She puts them on the desk with her art supplies. Once that is put up, she bounces Kelly, singing a silly song in Sindarin to her about a spider tricking a cat.

Nerdanel walks around the room some to ease the backache that was always with her. Feaho kicked and shifted during the short time his mother paid attention to the baby and moved about, but when she sits again, laying Kelly on her back on the bed, Feaho settles.

She lifts Kelly's shirt and blows on her little belly, making the baby squirm and giggle. She does this several times before she plays peek-a-boo with her, not letting her mind wander to whatever Gorlim was doing.

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

After a while -- maybe ten, maybe fifteen minutes -- the door creaks open and Gorlim slips back in, announcing himself with a meekish sniffle as the coor clicks shut. His eyes and nose are significantly redder than they were when he left.

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She looks up from teasing the baby, and lets out a quiet sigh.

"I am sorry. You seemed... I thought you would like to see them, that's all," she says softly.

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim smiles at her, though. Bright and loving and grateful.

"They are so beautiful, Nana," he says scratchily. "That is all. I didn't want to upset the babies." He remembers that he had once felt Fea become unsettled when he wept at Nerdanel's side, and his daughter whines and squirms when her daddy cries.

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She nods, smiling softly.

"Does he know?" she asks. "How deep these wounds run or do you let him believe his pains are somehow greater than your own?"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim shakes his head.

"I am sure he believes his pain to be deeper. He... I've tried to tell him. He alternates between resigned and bitter. I don't think he believes me either way. I'm sure he doesn't know about this. About how I can't go three hours without breaking down, or how I can't sleep because I'm so used to being beside him and it gets so cold in my room, but Ellie likes it that way. I don't think he--" Gorlim breaks off as his voice catches in his throat. He pauses, gritting his teeth as he takes a deep breath. "I don't think he wants to know." That may not have been what he'd started saying, but it was true all the same.

[nerdanel_the_wise]

"Do you know what he does every three hours?" she asks him quietly, tickling Kelly's belly. "You both spend so much time being silent or contrary or whatever. I don't think either of you much listens to the other."

She looks up with a wry smile.

"I don't think either of you have the first clue what you are doing."

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

"I won't argue that," Gorlim says, resigned. "I think what he doesn't understand -- or anybody else -- is I've never done this before. I've never broken up with anyone but Andres, and he was gone soon after. Anyway, that was all so simple. I had a good, clear, solid reason. And then it was Andres who wouldn't have me near, Andres who made all the accusations. Who knows, maybe he was right and I should have listened to him harder. Maybe if I had, I'd have known what not to do to Namo." He rubs his eyes tiredly. "I hate this," he confesses. "I hate that I wake up in the morning and can't make it to noon without crying. I hate that I know he probably DOES hurt worse than I do. I hate that I can't go to sleep without struggling not to break down because he's not next to me and never will be, even though I love my wife and I KNOW she'd hold me if I'd let her, and I know it'd probably be good for me, it feels almost like making her suffer for my fuckups. And I hate that I KNOW I'd drive anyone crazy by the second day of it even if they wanted to help me, because it drives ME crazy, and I'd give me a good slap and tell me to get over it, too. But I CAN'T."

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She picks up Kelly, stroking her fuzzy head.

"You have given many reasons to many people," she begins. "From fear to Lee to that you think yourself inept. I think it would do you good to know why you chose you path and be firm with that reasoning. Maybe once you are certain why you have done as you have, you can find peace with it." Nerdanel tilts her head. "If you miss his presence so much, why don't you tell him that?" She remembers her nights when she had needed someone and had missed her husband. "But it grows late, ionen, and I fear there are no answers to offer you since I know neither you mind nor his, and I don't want to make things worse. I just think you are both being stubborn and foolish. It is like cutting off one's nose to spite their face."

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

"Because what good would it do either of us to sit around in awkward silences or stammered apologies or forced happiness? I don't know. I don't know what to do."

He sighs and walks to her.

"I'll go, Nana, and leave you to your drawing. I don't want to trouble you with this." He takes his daughter and kisses her head. "I wish I could fix it and make it go away and be able to LIVE, but I can't. I just can't. It's not that easy. It took me this long to make Andres go away. I gave away his key today, and let that be that. I don't know what to do with Namo, and I don't know what to do with MYSELF and my pathetic bloody shattering at the drop of a hat."

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She looks up at him solemnly.

"Maybe... you will need to give him up as you did Andres?"

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

"That took me half a year, Nana," he says quietly. "And I don't have to look at him every day. This is worse than Andres. I gave Namo so much of myself. Andres was.... a brief mistake."

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She shakes her head.

"You gave him so very much of you. He gave you so very much of himself. And yet, the two of you can barely speak to each other without one of you breaking down into tears, accusations or bitterness?"

Nerdanel gives up trying to understand.

"I am here, love, if you ever need just a lap to cry in. Always open arms, dearest."

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

Gorlim smiles at her.

"Thanks, Nana. I know you are." He kisses her cheek. "Kelly will need feeding soon. I should go."

[nerdanel_the_wise]

She nods, her fingers lingering on his cheek.

"Melin chen, ionen," she says before he goes, wishing -- not for the first time -- she had the power to heal her sons' broken hearts.

[gorlim.livejournal.com]

He smiles at her, brief and fleeting, and turns to take his daughter back to his room.